Hello, America, I'm Jimmy Fail of the King of Late
Night.
Greg Gutfeld is out, and that's a good thing because
he would totally trash this jacket from my overweight figure
skater collection.
Like, listen folks, Greg Bash is my wardrobe a lot.
But in my defense, unlike Greg,
I can't borrow clothes from Peter Dinklage.
Jimmy,
anyway, we have a great show for you tonight with
a sexy ass panel.
But before we get to them,
it is Friday. Now, the normal tradition on Gutfeld is
that we'd open with Leftovers,
but seeing as it's the last episode of
2023, the producers agreed to let me share my final
thoughts on the year.
If it's OK with you people,
Felix, final thoughts.
Now, to be honest, 2023 was a bit of a
dumpster fire,
but it did teach us a lot of things.
For instance, Bud Light taught us that this was not
what customers meant when they asked a bartender for a
beer with some nuts.
So silly. Yeah, the Dilla Mulvaney story turned the King
of Beers into the Rodney King of beers.
But the craziest part is they gave Mulvaney A commemorative
can to celebrate one year of womanhood.
So technically speaking, they were giving beer to a one
year old girl.
Not sure that's what alcohol adds meant by drink responsibly,
but here we are. Don Lemon told us It's possible
to suck so bad that even CNN will fire you.
Lemon, if you remember, got into hot water after saying
Nikki Haley was past your prime.
First off, anyone who tells you women over 50 or
past their prime has never seen my search history.
But second, Don Lemon dude,
you endorsed Kamala Harris. We'll ask your opinion on women
once we get O JS take on marriage.
Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey taught us that it's still
legal to like white people.
Go figure. Who knew? Who knew
We're still a thing. Sure,
the mayor of Boston had a Christmas party where no
white people were allowed.
What, as racist moves go,
the Boston Mayor? Is it like A5 on a scale
of one to Harvard?
Yeah, Harvard's president Claudine Gay came under fire after failing
to condemn
anti-Semitism in a disastrous appearance before Congress.
On the plus side, now we know why she plagiarized
the rest of her speeches,
although in her defense, she didn't think she could write
them herself because as a Hamas supporter,
she didn't know women were allowed in libraries.
Oh oh, OK
Can we have security? Look at the groaners on that
one,
the the pro Hamas recipients of that joke?
It's not something I budgeted for.
As for Taylor and Travis,
though, I do get it.
This couple is everywhere, and a lot of football fans
are annoyed that they keep showing Taylor at all the
games.
But you got to admit,
it's nice to see someone pretending to be a chief
besides this lady
Jimmy so silly. Pro Palestinian protesters taught us that you
don't have to be smart to get into an Ivy
League college.
Check this out. Seriously, if there was any doubt about
how dumb these protesters were,
it all went out the window when they confronted Alec
Baldwin about ending the bombings in Gaza.
Earth to protesters, Alec Baldwin couldn't get a ceasefire on
his own movie set.
I doubt he's going to calm things down in the
Middle East,
you know what I'm saying?
With all due respect to the shooting star.
Anyway,
Speaking of movies, Barbie was the big winner at the
box office this year,
raking in $1.4 billion worldwide.
How about it? Republicans loved it because Margot Robbie is
a smoke show.
Let's be honest. Well, liberals love going to the theater
because they finally found a way to be surrounded by
underage girls without flying all the way to Epstein Island.
Coincidentally, this is interesting. Barbie brought in more money at
the box office than any film since Titanic,
which continued to shatter records this year.
Shimmy, they're just jokes. Everybody's going to be OK.
There's no way any of you are rich enough to
know people on that sub,
so relax.
But while we're talking money,
we should mention that a
2023 saw a Florida man when the biggest Mega Millions
jackpot in history at
$1.6 billion. Lottery officials say the man's trying to remain
anonymous and he set up an LLC in Delaware to
hide the money.
I should imagine he's reaching out to the experts on
hiding money in Delaware.
So silly.
Yeah, it wasn't exactly a banner year in politics.
Donald Trump became the 1st president to be criminally indicted
and Joe Biden became the 1st president to make a
sign language interpreter shrug.
Yo true story at the State of the Union.
His second to last line was now is the time
to choose between unity and schmugger.
To hammer, to hammer to hammer.
And it's a state of the Union,
so they all clap. But if you watch the sign
language interpreter,
she goes from signing to like Google because she's like,
I don't know what this means.
Like come to think of it,
it might have been the sign language interpreters cocaine at
the White House after all that.
As for Trump looking back on the historic day of
his indictment,
if we're being honest, the most shocking part of his
flight to New York was seeing a president make it
up the steps of the plane in one try.
And finally, 2023 taught us that literally anyone can write
a book.
I'm going to get us out of this mess.
Shut up. And just when you thought the bar couldn't
get any lower.
Now let's go. Let's get real for a minute.
You should buy Cat's book because she's profoundly talented.
She's a best selling author.
She sells out stand up shows all over the country.
You want to know why you should buy my book
For real?
Just so you can see how out of place it
is on the Fox News Books website.
Go to that site. You're going to die Every.
The first book is like Shannon Bream.
Women of the Bible speak Harris Faulkner.
Faith can move mountains. Jimmy Fella,
A hooker farted on a guy in my cab.
I don't know what it's doing there,
but I but I buy it.
Check it out. Yeah. 2023 was the type of crazy
ass story that you couldn't make up unless you were
George Santos.
Got to hit the Republicans,
kids. That's how comedy works.
Now. The House of Representatives voted to expel the Holocaust
survivor turned astronaut.
And
and let's be clear, though,
like, Santos lied way too much.
Like, you know it's bad when Lauren Bobert says you're
yanking our chain.
Bobert famously got caught fondling a man's privates in a
Denver movie theater.
Republicans were upset that she performed a sex act in
public.
Democrats were angry that she didn't show the video to
kindergarten kids.
Coincidentally, Bobert did it during a screening of Beetlejuice,
which is not exactly the sexiest show in town.
If you don't believe me,
you've never seen what Beetlejuice looks like,
Jimmy. And finally, a tip of the cap to New
Jersey Senator Bob Menendez,
who showed us that it really is possible to get
the gold bars out of Nigeria.
Now, millions of Americans have received spam emails over the
years and come up empty.
But not Menendez. And sure,
he was criminally indicted afterwards,
but he hasn't been forced to resign.
Because if 2023 taught us anything,
it's that liberals have no problem with men going for
the gold as long as they take it from a
woman.
Period.
All right, let's work on tonight's guess.
If the political pundits were wine,
she'd be the nicest box on the shelf.
Fox News anchor Julie Banderas in the House.
He's a kick ass comedian who looks like the guy
Hunter buys crack from comedian Jim Florentine.
He always kills on stage,
and not just because he looks like a Civil War
general actor and stand up comedian Tyler Fisher
and her New Year's resolution is to be less awesome.
New York Times best selling author and Fox News contributor
Captain Patir.
And the crowd goes wild.
All
right, so Julie, we covered a lot there.
When you look back on
2023, if someone gave this to you as a gift,
would you keep it or would you regift it?
I would regift it but like to an enemy you
know,
like you don't give 2023 to anyone.
You have any respect for it?
Probably I'd give it to my ex-husband.
20/20/23 is the fruitcake of years.
I I dig it. Yeah,
I'd like the Don Lemon story,
though. I just want to address that.
He's calling Nikki Haley actually out of
her prime. He's past his prime.
I just wanted to put that on the record and
that's all.
Got that out of the way.
Well, I feel like it needed to be said.
Great to see. I thought it's,
Yeah, Florentine.
As a nationally touring comedian,
people like to say this is like the best time
to be a comic because there's so much stupid stuff
going on.
But is that actually the opposite?
Because it's almost hard to keep up with the ridiculousness
it is.
And then people are afraid to laugh at something,
especially with the Bud Light stuff.
Not this crowd. Give him credit.
No, I know. Oh my God,
no.
You cannot offend this crowd.
We tried everything. People at home don't know this.
We opened by clubbing a baby seal.
They didn't even care. They were like,
no, hit him again. I actually love that.
The only thing they were offended by was you saying
I was a bad writer.
And, you know, I didn't mean that.
I love all of you.
Come over after. Yeah, that's not.
Oh, no, you should. If you guys like meth,
you're going to love this party.
But it is. It's. I'm way classy.
But it is. It's a stupid time to be alive.
It is. But, like, if I made a joke about
Bud Light,
if I said some guy in the front drinking a
Bud Light at the comedy show,
I go, You want me to,
You want you. You need to tell me something.
You might as well get out of the open right
now.
It'll just like, oh, how can you say that?
Now as a comedian, Tyler,
though, aren't you thankful for the decision making process of
the parent company?
Tran. Heiser Busch. Tran Heiser Busch.
What? You know what, I I think they made a
big miss Barbie made a big mistake.
They should have had Dylan Mulvaney play Barbie because he's
90%
plastic at this point, right?
They could have saved money.
He could have played Barbie and Ken,
right called it Barb and Hammer
and then they only play it on the Gaza Strip
and they don't let old white women in.
We could have combined it all into one
time saving thing the cat.
Didn't Dylan Mulvaney kind of destroy the gender pay gap
and that he was a man for 27 years?
No one knew who he was.
He was a woman for a year.
He made 10 million bucks.
So I wasn't as into talking about the dilemma of
anything.
It's whatever, it doesn't matter.
However, I think it's interesting that they chose if they
wanted to have a trans person for their ad,
they chose you know a a male to female trans
person and not the other way around.
They could have done like a
for 100, you know, days of being a bro,
like it's a Broy brand,
Bud Light. And as a woman who was born a
woman and is still extremely broy,
I don't know why I would miss out on an
opportunity like that or other people,
'cause it's like nobody who is campy is drinking Bud
Light.
No, it's true, regardless of gender.
But that's what I think these brands screw up.
It's they try to placate the people who don't actually
partake in what they're doing.
Isn't that it's so stupid.
Well, that that podcast that the marketing person actually said
that,
like we we want, she did a podcast where she
said she was trying to turn.
She thought the consumer that chose the product was disgusting.
Yeah, but also it was all about business.
She never at any point said I really actually care
about trans people.
So businesses are businesses. Their aim is to make money,
so that shouldn't be shocking.
What's shocking to me is when people think businesses care
about you.
Oh yeah, they don't care at all.
They're all. That's
a great point. But I do a great to our
commercial break.
Didn't didn't Disney kind of learn that message?
Like you're supposed to do what makes you money?
Like people go to Disney because they like rides.
They want to pay $32 for a Turkey leg and
marvel at the fat people on scooters.
Isn't that why you go?
But like, no one was waiting in line,
3 hours to go on Snow White and the seven
inches,
you know what I'm saying?
So do you think this was the year Florentine,
that's going to kind of scare company straight?
I think so. I think after the Bud Light thing,
because it's still down like
25%. I love going to the liquor store and just
going to the beer section and seeing the Bud Light
stacked to the ceiling and the Corona is way down
here. I love seeing that.
That's great. It's got to hurt your feelings as a
Bud Light guy because I'll tell you this,
the thing that hurt me the most,
JB, my car once got stolen in the city.
And if you live in the city,
you're like just once, really.
My car once got stolen in the city.
They threw my CD out of the tape player like
they were like,
I'm, I'm stealing your car,
but I'm not a dirt bag.
I'm not going to listen to Jimmy's Color Me Bad
Summer Mix 92
and they ditch my music.
Why would anyone want to steal a Toyota Camry?
Well, it's if things went on in that Camry.
As you know of former New York City cab driver,
I've had thousands of women in my backseat,
technically speaking. Anyway, on that mediocre splash before we go,
a quick reminder my new book,
The Cancel Culture Dictionary, comes out January 30th.
It is an A-Z guide on how to take back
some fun in our woke world.
So don't forget to pre-order your copy.
Now look at me folks.
I need all the help I can get.