You know the old saying. If you want a friend
in Washington,
get a dog. Kristi Noem doesn't
may have heard that the Republican South Dakota governor's new
book boasts about the time she shot and killed Cricket,
a 14 month old wire haired pointer that crossed her.
But have you heard the audio book?
When I got back into my truck,
Cricket was sitting in the passenger seat looking like she
had just won the lottery.
The picture of pure joy.
I hated that dog.
As I drove home, I realized that I had no
choice.
Cricket was untrainable and after trying to bite me,
dangerous to anybody that she came in contact with.
A dog who bites is dangerous and unpredictable.
Are you listening, Joe Biden?
I stopped the truck in the middle of the yard.
I got out, my gun,
grabbed cricket's leash and I let her out into the
pasture and down into the gravel pit.
It was not a pleasant job,
but it had to be done.
Now you may already know that story,
and also how moments later she came across a family
goat and ended its life in that same gravel pit.
But what you probably didn't know was that there were
witnesses to the Kristi gnome spree killings
and they were pretty creeped out.
My uncle, who was the general contractor building our house,
called me and he said,
What got into you today?
Nothing, I responded. Why? He said.
Well, the guy said you came barreling into the yard
with your truck.
You slammed the door, took a gun and a dog
over the hill,
out of sight. They heard one shot.
You came back without the dog,
then you grab the goat and headed back up over
the hill.
Then they heard another shot.
You came back, slammed the pickup door again,
went back, they heard another shot,
and then you came back without the goat.
They said they hurried back to work before you decided
they were next.
She put that in the book
that
now in the past week,
GNOME had been on a publicity tour for that book,
which was obviously envisioned as part of a campaign to
position herself as Donald Trump's possible vice presidential nominee.
Unfortunately for GNOME, it is not really playing out that
way.
The book rollout has been an unmitigated disaster,
the worst I've seen in a while.
In fact, I didn't even know it was possible anymore
in American politics to have as bad of a week
as Kristi Noem has had.
We've all gotten used to so much insanity.
I mean, the guy at the top,
the Republican ticket for whom she's auditioning,
is sitting in a New York courthouse while an adult
film actress talks about him paying her off.
So she wouldn't talk about a tryst between them that,
she said, was the definition of bad sex.
And yet, even under our new political rules,
Kristi Noem has managed to implode spectacularly.
Not simply because she killed an untrained puppy that did
not hunt and a goat that smelled,
but because her response was to keep the story alive
and even embellish it.
The truth of this story is that this was a
working dog
and it was not a puppy.
It was a dog that was extremely dangerous.
Now, at one point, Greta Van Susteren tried to throw
Nome a lifeline on good old Newsmax,
pivoting from the puppy she shot and killed and the
goat she shot and killed to the not one,
not two, but three horses Nome reluctantly had to put
down
in that same gravel pit.
These horses were old. They were in their late,
late 20s. They were a rodeo,
horses, ranch horses, and they raised my girls.
They took care of them.
Amazingly, showing the pictures of the horses in the gravel
pit and adding to the number of animals that she's
had to kill
did not boost her chances.
But then another problem was discovered.
Noam wrote in the book that she met North Korean
dictator Kim Jong Un and stared him down.
But it never happened and it got pulled from the
book.
The thing is, it wasn't just a lie.
It was a lie so ludicrous it demonstrated just how
little she understands world affairs.
In what universe is the leader of the so-called Hermit
Kingdom meeting with the governor of South Dakota?
Did Noam go on a little junket to Pyongyang?
Kim do a state visit to Pierre that somehow flew
under the radar?
It was a dumpster fire and she kept kept throwing
fuel on it,
leading to some of the most genuinely heart stopping interview
moments on live TV I've ever seen.
So you did not meet with Kim Jong Un.
That's what you're saying.
Now, I've met with many,
many world leaders, many world leaders.
I've traveled around the world.
I'm not going to talk about my specific meetings with
world leaders.
I'm just not going to do that.
It's a simple question. Did you or did you not?
That's that's that's the answer that I have for you.
Why am I being treated differently than every other person
that you've interviewed?
I've looked at your last.
I'm quoting you. If you were writing the book today,
would you include the dog story?
You know, this is a wonderful book.
Did you read the book?
Not yet. Oh, you should.
I'll be consumed with emails saying I won't vote for
this person.
I won't vote for Trump if she if he puts
her in the vice presidential spot.
Well, I'll tell you, Stuart,
I'm. I'm sorry, you're not hearing from real Americans that
live on farms and ranches.
If, governor, if you asked me a month ago who's
at the top of the list to run with Donald
Trump,
I I would have said your name
if you asked me that same question this morning.
I don't even think you're on the list.
Really. So my question for you.
Yes. Really.
No one was getting beaten up so badly that she
stopped doing interviews altogether.
She even cancelled on Fox News,
which they did not take.
Well,
today she cancelled on us.
Yeah, the one time I actually read the book we're
moving forward with The interview.
Standing in for Kristy Gnome is somebody she wished she'd
listened to before she ever wrote the stupid book.
Dana Perino,
So Dana, AKA Governor Gnome,
Did you write the book yourself?
You know, that's a great question for someone who wrote
the book.
And I don't think I will dignify your question with
a response.
There are so many other important issues in the world,
like animal cruelty.
OK, you got a grade on a curve.
It's not a comedy show,
but if you think that's vicious,
you should read the Amazon reviews of Gnome's book,
which the retail giant locked down after a flood of
what they called unusual reviewing activity,
including one reader who said my cat loved this book,
he says. Cricket was asking for it.
So where does Governor Kristi Noem go from here?
Apparently back home. A spokesman for Kristi Noem now says
she has left her book tour is going back to
South Dakota to be prepared for some potential emerging bad
weather systems. The title of Gnome's book,
by the way, is Wait for It,
No Going Back. That is perfect.
I have no notes.